What if?

What if everything worked out as planned for everything in your life? How absolutely boring and unordinary. What if when I was girl I finished high school as planned and went off to college? Or didn’t get pregnant a month or two prior to my 18th birthday. Or even, what if my dad never had brain cancer?
If one of those things never happened I would have never have met Tim. Just one. Maybe even smaller life events would have been life changing. I wouldn’t have my children. I would have never left dingy Puyallup. I would have married some slacker from my high school and lived a country song life. Like the ones where she is stuck in a small town and wishes for greater things.
I had the best childhood ever. I had great friends, silly boyfriends who never held my hand unless they asked. My brother was, and is the best brother you could ever imagine. We didn’t have the knock out drag out fights like sitcoms. I had a neighbor who was my age, who was my first best friend. We put soda cans on our bikes to make them into motorcycles, when they weren’t unicorns of course. She was awesome, always knew the best songs, and knew their lyrics.Even before the Internet could tell us ‘what’s what’. I was her fuzzy headed friend who had no idea what was cool. She was ‘cool’ though. She had the clothes and the way with words, always witty,always laughing. The best first best friend ever.
She had this chicken coop turned play house in her back yard. Even in 1993 she had started a pinterest phenomenon. We spent a summer painting it. Not to be bested, my dad built a make shift ridiculous looking tree house. It was terrifying going into it. She taught me how to rollerblade. She taught me about the scary bull that was behind our block. We would taunt it by wearing red and when the wind would blow a leaf or two we ran as if the bull was charging us. I think he was fake though, some little story one kid in the neighborhood made up so they could watch us young kids run from the wind.
In middle school I met a girl through 4-H. We showed dogs together and although we competed we relished every win the other had even if it meant our loss. She taught me about Nsync and about hair. She had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen. Long, auburn and thick. We took over the 4-H club as president and vice just so we could be in charge. We ruled the little county fair with our ‘to hot to trot’ attitudes. When I was 13 I went to my first secular concert. It was NSYNC, we cheer and screamed like they could hear us.
By her house there was a little trail with a huge rock that we would walk to and chat. One time we found tossed clothes of lovers who had passed by and rocked out for a bit. Being kids we thought for sure they were left over from a murderer. I don’t think we ever went back to that rock. The fear of green river killer was too prevalent.
By high school I was alone. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer and I had forgotten how to be ‘cool’. I wasn’t allowed to go to parties, so eventually I was not invited anymore. Not that I cared much. Most of the time I was working or standing in the door watching my dad sleep. There were times he would forget what was wrong with him and we would rehash what was wrong with him. Why he couldn’t walk right, or why he was suddenly bald,why he wore depends.He became violent with my mom and brother. Not often, not really mean either just bully stuff. His chest puffed out and demanding car keys.Never with me though. He treated me different then he did my brother. he always did.
My life has had many chapters. My motorcycle days where i chased bulls,my days of dog shows and music,my dad dying slowly. And then there was Ariana. My most precious gift.
If I had never had all the changes in my life, all the chapters, I would never have had Ariana. If I didn’t have Ari , I would never have met Tim. With out Tim there is no way I would have my boys.
Maybe this kidney failure is just another chapter that leads into a better story? Maybe this chapter has an ending like they all do. An ending that is for better or it is for worse. I think this one is both. Either way this ends, it ends just the same. This chapter is a life changer.