Absence

Dear You,
I have some explaining to do. I know. I made this vow to keep this up and I was proud of myself to make such a commitment. Here is the truth. The most truth you will ever read.
My life is full of commitments, responsibilities, and obligations. You came up short. So did all my friends, most of my family, and my beloved church. Tim has gotten worse. Not in his health,but in his actions. I have been too afraid to tell you. I didn’t want your judgement ,and the added fear that his family will read this ,just kept me away. My mother taught me to speak kindly.I have had nothing nice to say.

I met someone. I met myself. I saw myself as this haggard old girl who lost her dreams as a child and married a man who hates her. I felt disgusting,unwanted, used and degraded. I have always had self esteem issues. I have always thought I was nothing. Emotionally I was confused, my children , my dear dear children love me. I never understood why. Why is it that I think (unbiased of course) that my children are the most amazing people to breath air,and they think I am awesome? Yet my husband treats me like I am nothing more then a toy?
Tim is sick, not just in body but in mind. He doesn’t understand the power of words.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I call bullshit. Whoever came up with that was deranged. How can you sacrifice ten years of your life for someone whose nickname for you is some derogatory term and not feel something?
Tim went off his medications. There I said it. He gave up. My children are not worth swallowing pills for, our home, our future,our past,our memories…..me ,I am not worth swallowing a pill for.He is on antidepressants, or was, and now I live with this man who I do not know. The man I have been weighing meat for to ensure he is not over doing his proteins,the man who I have studied for hours on end for to verify that he is getting his proper nutrients yet not killing himself. I gave him three children. I feel like i have been cheated on,but he cheated with himself.He doesn’t know the half of it.

You are probably thinking “he is blind”. Yeah I know. I got it,he can’t see what I do. But there are two different types of people in this world. Those who see a hill and climb it, and those who refuse to and scream at it for existing. Tim is a screamer. I am a climber. That is probably why we worked out so well. While he financially carried the weight, I carried him. My burdens are heavy.

In late January I had a change of heart. I looked in the mirror and decided that I wanted to like myself. Not a huge revelation , but probably the biggest step I have ever made. I forgave myself for not being who I wanted to be. I want to feel pretty.
As a wife to a man who is blind and one who is a narcissist ,everything you do,however you look,however you feel is insignificant. Consistently repeating myself, all my actions,and now that he is blind, my looks are insignificant. I was 21 when I became invisible. When I ceased to exist. I died. Everything that I was left me,except being a mother. I dove into that with such a force I forgot I was human. Not a bad thing I know, but still can’t I also be a person? Can’t I be me?
There is the problem. I lost me, I had no idea who I was. So I have spent the last few months trying to rediscover myself. In doing so I became a better mother, and closer to God. Two of the things Tim doesn’t understand. He thinks children should raise themselves,that they are burdens. My children are my life. He thinks God is a cartoon made up by some wack job old fairy tale. God is everything to me.
I also left my church. It killed me. I literally cried for a few days. I can’t take the judgments, the secret whispers, the annoying questions and proclamations of how much my husband loves me. Gossip is part of the church, I know. Judgment is worse in a church then anywhere, I get it. But when you involve my children into the equation….well it’s done. When the children hear their parents speak and tell my daughter the hideous things they say, I am done. When my daughter cannot go to the church with out getting called names, or ridiculed, I am done. When the church is worse then the school that my daughter used to come home crying from…. We are done.

I refuse to be who you all think I am. I refuse to be around people who see me as anything less then what I am. My daughter says I am Wonder Woman. Damn right, I am. I am happy, I am no longer invisible.

-Danielle

Ps. Tim’s health is stable….And my precious wonderful amazing son is turning one soon!!!!!